Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
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if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
he chose this
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.