A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
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one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.