My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
technically true but not a great slogan
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.