I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
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My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
get you a girl who
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Natural selection at its finest
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.