The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
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If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.