My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
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Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
some cats are just doing for fun!
when nothing goes right… go left
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists