last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
You Might Also Like
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
This is no longer winter this is harassment
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*