If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
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– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Things will get butter, keep churning
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.