Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
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I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Real House Wines.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Happy thanksgiving
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural