*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are