free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
You Might Also Like
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out