Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
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good work, detective
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?