Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
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[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.