[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
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When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.