You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
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<- sleeps well with others
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.