Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
You Might Also Like
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.