When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
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People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
#titanic
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Milk Cube
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!