Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
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me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
nice challenge
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!