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Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.