Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]