*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
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Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
plums roundup
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”