Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
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What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.