Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.