I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
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[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”