I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*