Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
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goldfish mafia
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.