my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
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How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
figuring out my emotional availability:
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
back to work
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”