Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.