Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
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“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked