My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
6. me as a lawyer
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me