I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Ha
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Yes, but it was never about money
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.