In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
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The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
j o i m p
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
This fish is cracking me up
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.