Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
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I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Word!
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
the dark web is just a goth google.