“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.