Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*