Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
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I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
thanksgiving in nutshell
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper