The internet is magic sometimes.
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I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
#growingpains
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card