Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
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Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
lost dog
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.