Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
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HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?