Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]