I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
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I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
who did the taste test?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Finally!
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Good dog. ❤️
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.