It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
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me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?