Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure