Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
You Might Also Like
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84