me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
incredible book dedication
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops