Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
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My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
*seductively corrects your posture*
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.