Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
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God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…