If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
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I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I have never related to a cat more
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]