Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
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MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons