“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.